Women are Unicorns

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I was pregnant once. Twice actually, but God had other plans for our first little squishy. The second time around, we were blessed with twins…apparently He does have a sense of humour. Our wee monsters are kind, gentle, caring little people who have become my pride and my joy. But as most moms can agree, that wasn’t always the case.

There is a period of time in motherhood when you hate. You hate A LOT. A lot of things. A lot of people. At one point or another you hate everything. You hate fiercely and you hate with a vengeance. We call this period of time pregnancy.

Oh the thinks you will think when you can’t have a drink!

We start with stage 1 – Denial. You pee on that little stick and two lines appear. Wait? What? TWO LINES? Two lines means positive, right? No. Stop. That can’t be right. Better go buy seventeen more tests just to be sure. But now I don’t have to pee. Better drink eight gallons of water to get things moving. The next three tests are positive…six new lines. Impossible. There must something weird in the water. Ok, I’ll wait until morning and try again. Ugh, I hate waiting. Waiting is the worst. I need a glass of wine.

Stage 2 – Excitement. We’re having a baby! I’m gonna be someones mommy! A tiny human all for me! Snuggles and hugs and sweet lullabies while I rock my angel to sleep. Oh the bond of breastfeeding is so natural and beautiful. I can’t believe the miracle of birth is happening to me! I hate waiting for my baby to arrive. This is so exciting. I wonder if I’m having aboy or a girl. Oh, just as long as it’s healthy, I don’t care.  But really, a girl would be wonderful! Gotta pick the cutest name ever! Only the best for my little peanut. Baby registries everywhere!

Stage 3 – WTF is wrong with me? The time when all the crazy starts but you can’t tell anyone. The pregnancy secret is hidden behind crooked smiles and sideways glances at anything baby related until you reach the safe zone. For 12 weeks, you’re a psychopath for absolutely no reason apparently. I’m starving but I hate food. Must eat…so hungry…why don’t they make nacho ice cream? Omg…a grape. I’m gonna puke. I’m so hungry. I just need to lay down. Why is the room spinning? Seriously…I’m 7 mins pregnant…how can I feel like death already? I wish I had jalapeno poppers and peanut brittle. My body is rejecting broth. I’m dying. I need pizza right now. My back hurts. How is a 1/4 ounce of baby in my uterus the equivalent of lugging around a 40lb backpack? I’m never gonna make it. I wonder if you can eat 40lbs of buffalo wings and not die. After dinner mints always help. I better buy some at Costco. Ooh Costco. Mommy parking…sweet! Lindors are sweet, I should get those too. I can’t get out of bed.

Stage 4 – Purgatory. A time when you are thankful to be alive, felling alright but have no idea what hell is around the corner. Second trimester baby! Guess what world…I’m not fat…I’m pregnant! Here, look at my 75 belly selfies I took this morning! Can you see the difference? I totally can. What wall colour do you prefer….peach peach or peach nectarine? I’m trying to get a head start on the nursery? Yes there IS a difference and yes it DOES matter…ugh why do I bother with these stupid people. Only a mom would understand. Oooh girl…pregnancy does not look good on you, good thing you’re near the end huh?! I don’t know why people complain. I’m feeling fabulous and have the cutest baby bump…this is a breeze.

But then part two of purgatory sets in and attitudes change. You are no longer a person. You are a walking hormone hurricane. Sorry, can’t go out with the girls…I’m pregnant. Sorry, can’t walk around the grocery store…I’m pregnant. Sorry, can’t do anything cause guess what…I’m pregnant. Why are you talking to me weird person? I didn’t invite you to start a conversation with me. Can’t you see that I am busy growing a human here! Don’t talk to me. I hate when people talk to me. Must find a peach peach crib set.

Stage 5 – The Three “I”ed Monster – Irrational, Irritable and Inconsolable. Men suck and where the frick did my feet go? I hate you feet. I hate you ass. I hate you husband for eating my last box of spiral Kraft Dinner. Oh there’s a box of original left? Are you insane! Those noodles are different and wrong. All wrong. I can’t eat that! Ugh. You don’t get me at all. Why are you still here? Can you just stop breathing already!!! Oh, you’re tired from your six hour nap? Please tell me again how horrible that is. My six minutes were delightful. Let me go cook you dinner. I hate you. Nothing fits!! Yes, this IS the fourth day in a row wearing the same yoga pants, any other smart ass comments today? Fur lines crocs? Yes please! Finally something these boats can fit in. Oh look, little miss second trimester is all perky and pregnant. I hate her. She has no idea. I hope her kid is a 25lb butterball who never sleeps. Yes. I am still pregnant. And no, I never get tired of hearing that. Ask me again in four minutes.

Stage 6 – It’s over? The epidural guy is a god! I can’t believe she is finally here! My sweet angel baby is beautiful and perfect. Her little button nose is perfect and her feet are perfect and she will rule the world one day and be perfect. The past nine months have been soooo worth it. I suddenly forget everything bad in the world because my baby is perfect and I am numb and high and perfect.

Pregnancy can be awful or amazing. Depends who you ask and which stage they are in. Looking back now, even the hardest parts of pregnancy are funny. The crazy things we said and the ridiculous places we lost our keys usually give our spouses plenty of ammo to use against us for years to come. The tears of joy wash away all the tears of sadness once your little squishy is in your arms. I am so thankful that we made it through in one piece. I see my girlfriends struggling through their pregnancies now and can’t help but giggle on the inside. I get the crazy. I get the excitement and dreams for the future. I get the anxiety and nightmares about what can go wrong. Friend, I know you are still in there and the shell of pregnancy can be lonely. But you will get through it and we will share some hilarious stories later. Embrace this time. It is such a short time in a long life ahead of you. Pregnancy is not an excuse. It is your opportunity to sit back and let the wonders of your body nurture and grow your minion. Relax and take it all in. You deserve it.

Some say that women are weak, fragile, and overly sensitive. I know that we are hardcore, unbreakable and have boobs. Thus we are awesome.

We can literally grow a human being in our bellies with little help from anyone else. We provide food, warmth, love, nutrients and shelter all while folding the laundry. Nine months later, we use our strength and stamina to push a 10lb sack of potatoes out of one of the smallest holes in our body, and then nurse this tiny human from our body all by nature and God’s hand.  Men…are involved in the whole process for approximately 3.6 seconds, and then stand back in the delivery room and say “yup, I made that”.

Seriously, women are unicorns.

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4 thoughts on “Women are Unicorns

  1. You hit the nail on the head with this one! It is crazy how CRAZY we get when cooking a little one in our bellies. I have twins too so I totally feel ya.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This made me laugh so much! With my first pregnancy, I was one of those pregnant women other pregnant women hate — I hate myself right now thinking back on my first pregnancy. Like, literally nothing went wrong, I had no bad symptoms, I loved being pregnant… the whole shebang. The last two weeks weren’t fun, because I had PUPPS, and I had 68 hours of consistent false labor, but after my son was born I lost the baby weight in less than two weeks without trying, and… yes. I was that woman.

    This time around, though, so far I have had far more “UGH I HATE BEING PREGNANT” moments than I thought I would, and so many nights when I really really really miss being not pregnant. We planned this one (the first was sort of but not really planned) and I was terrified to go through it and for the first few weeks after I knew I was pregnant, I was just… not sure I really wanted to do this again. I mean, I did, but I didn’t, you know? And I am just feeling ALL of the things that I didn’t feel the first time. The fat-ness, the ugh-ness, the craziness. All of it.

    Women are totally unicorns. Haha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha…I’m glad I got both of my kids done in one shot. Rumor has it, the 2nd, 3rd or 4th pregnancies just keep getting worse. Poor you! Maybe adopt your next one 🙂

      Like

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