Sooooo… it’s been a hard few days. We’ve had worse days. Horrible days. Can’t-believe-we-made-it-through-that days. Today was just a hard day. You know why? Cause being an adult sucks sometimes. It’s hard to be a mom and be guilt free. It is even harder when you know something is off but you continue to live in a semi state of denial hoping you are wrong, until one day some fancy schmancy doctor or smarty pants man in a suit confirms your gut feeling. And now there is a truth. One that I need to face and accept and deal with. Big or small…it’s not a fun feeling. My guilt turns into dread and then into anxiety and stress about how to fix the problem right now. As though my neglect over the past while needs to be compensated for and changes made overnight. Stop the guilt. Fix the problem. Realign the universe to when everything was perfect. Do whatever it takes to go back to that moment when I wasn’t at fault.
Except life isn’t easy like that. You can’t fix anything overnight. Big things. Tough things. They all take time. And patience. And will power. And some magic ability to be able to see past each day and focus on the long term goal. It is so frickin hard. Especially when it comes to my kids. The day to day guilt and frustration completely clouds long term successes and progress. Bah. And the worst part? The worst part is that I do it to myself. Everyone else can understand the struggle and see the end game. Everyone else supports me and knows it takes time. Everyone else knows that I can do this and change will happen. Everyone but me. Sorta. Because right now, it’s impossible to see past tomorrow. I guess these are the moments that make or break you. I can shut down, deny, ignore, and hope miracles happen. Or I can follow through, take the advice, do the homework and try my best each day knowing that it will eventually change and be better. Elizabeth Banks once said “if you want to be in it for the long haul, you have to take the long view”. And I love that. Long term focus gives you long term results.
So today, I am thankful for the hard times in life that teach. Those moments you can’t avoid when God needs to show you something. To make you better. To give you strength, hope and appreciation. These moments are hard, but they are temporary. The lessons we learn though, those lessons are permanent and life changing.